How to deal with a "WoW widow" (without going insane)
by Kevin Stallard 
Nov 3rd 2007 at 6:36PM
Filed under: World of Warcraft, Real life, Opinion
"Are you *still* playing that silly game of yours?""Why do you stay up all night playing on your computer?"
"You pay more attention to that game of yours than you do to me!"
I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that situations like this are most certainly your fault. The good news is that it isn't for the reason you think it is. There is no difference between the guy who schedules a raid on Tuesday night from 8:00 to midnight and the guy who has a weekly bowling night with his friends at the same time. There is no difference between the guy who plants himself on the couch to watch the big game and the guy who welds his butt to a computer chair for 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon. So why do we never hear the terms "Bowling League Widows" or "Sunday Football Widows" kicked around, but jokes about "WoW Widows" and "MMO Spouse Support Groups" abound?
In a word, scheduling.
Successful relationships, whether with spouses, parents, bosses, or even children depend on setting and meeting expectations. If I were to call my wife and say "I am going to a business dinner on Thursday night," then more often than not, she isn't going to have a problem when I come home late on Thursday night. If a woman calls her boyfriend and says "We're having a girl's night out on Friday," the boyfriend can plan accordingly. If, however, the boyfriend finds out at 4:30 on Friday afternoon that he won't be spending time with her that night, you might imagine that he would be a little upset. Is it any wonder that our friends and family are put off when they see you glued to your computer all night? Most of us never schedule time to play our favorite games; we just sit down and start playing. It's an easy trap to fall into. After all, the computer is just in the next room, right? The next time you get hit with the "Inquisition" about your MMO habit, try a compromise. Schedule your gaming time the same way you would schedule a TV show, or even a bowling night. Tell the people you care about "From 8:00 to midnight on Tuesday, I'm going to be playing my game." Make it as much a part of your social calendar as "Dinner with the neighbors" or "Date night" or even your favorite TV show. You may also find that it is easier to balance the demands of gaming with the demands of "Real Life" when you can see exactly how much time you spend gaming versus the amount of time you spend taking care of "RL issues" and "building wife faction."
Whatever you do, don't apologize for enjoying your hobby. You choice of leisure activity is just as valid as someone who chooses to sit in front of a television and watch their favorite show, or someone who sits with their nose in a book for hours on end, or someone who spends all their time crawling around in the dirt planting flowers, or anything else that people do in order to relax and get away from their daily lives for a while. As long as you take care of the things you need to take care of, why should you have to justify your choice of recreation to anybody else?
Successful relationships, whether with spouses, parents, bosses, or even children depend on setting and meeting expectations. If I were to call my wife and say "I am going to a business dinner on Thursday night," then more often than not, she isn't going to have a problem when I come home late on Thursday night. If a woman calls her boyfriend and says "We're having a girl's night out on Friday," the boyfriend can plan accordingly. If, however, the boyfriend finds out at 4:30 on Friday afternoon that he won't be spending time with her that night, you might imagine that he would be a little upset. Is it any wonder that our friends and family are put off when they see you glued to your computer all night? Most of us never schedule time to play our favorite games; we just sit down and start playing. It's an easy trap to fall into. After all, the computer is just in the next room, right? The next time you get hit with the "Inquisition" about your MMO habit, try a compromise. Schedule your gaming time the same way you would schedule a TV show, or even a bowling night. Tell the people you care about "From 8:00 to midnight on Tuesday, I'm going to be playing my game." Make it as much a part of your social calendar as "Dinner with the neighbors" or "Date night" or even your favorite TV show. You may also find that it is easier to balance the demands of gaming with the demands of "Real Life" when you can see exactly how much time you spend gaming versus the amount of time you spend taking care of "RL issues" and "building wife faction."
Whatever you do, don't apologize for enjoying your hobby. You choice of leisure activity is just as valid as someone who chooses to sit in front of a television and watch their favorite show, or someone who sits with their nose in a book for hours on end, or someone who spends all their time crawling around in the dirt planting flowers, or anything else that people do in order to relax and get away from their daily lives for a while. As long as you take care of the things you need to take care of, why should you have to justify your choice of recreation to anybody else?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Jon@tbk said on 8:56PM 11-03-2007
Good read. I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful wife that I play with and it appears as though I'm in good company (http://www.thebronzekettle.com/?p=34).
I do know that there are those out there that don't have this luxury, and it can be difficult to justify to a significant other a hobby that competes directly with their time. The best advice I can give is that if you can't get your partner to join you in your leisure activities, attempt to get them interested in a hobby of their own. It can be anything from more casual gaming (nintendo ds ftw), crafting, scrapbooking, martial arts, water polo, picking up a second language, the possibilities are limitless. Ideally the selected activity would be something that can be done at the same time that you do yours.
Overall, remember that moderation is key. Anything is subject to addiction so don't let gaming dominate your life. Epic loot is far less rewarding than an epic relationship.
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Elizabeth Harper said on 9:39PM 11-03-2007
Wtb epic relationship, pst!
Girl Meets WoW said on 2:40AM 11-04-2007
"Epic loot is far less rewarding than an epic relationship."
So very true, but I'm still glad to be in the same boat as you guys!
Hollywood Ron said on 11:51PM 11-03-2007
If you don't spend time with your SO, someone else will.
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Akela Talamasca said on 2:54AM 11-04-2007
Fortunately for me, all my quality time is spent during the day, with MMO time at night. This means that not only is my family already asleep, leaving no guilt for me, but many servers are relatively underpopulated -- no lag!
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KeeZ said on 4:49AM 11-04-2007
Wife aggro is the best you can have ;)
No I've serieously had some issues with this, but since she (girlfriend in this case) is watching TV from 8pm - 11pm I usually have my time to do what I want to do (WoW for example, or watch a 'real movie' on my PC) and at around 11.30 we go to bed -together.
Ofcourse she'll be a bit angry because I left bed early and started farming, but I've gotta raid this afternoon !
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Arangar - Uldaman said on 10:03PM 11-05-2007
lol seems like the wowinsider and tbc crew jumping back and forth in a mutual love fest! Of course, I do agree whole heartedly...a similar post about scheduled play time (thank you ms. harper) led to my wife and I creating a shared calendar with google calendar and putting important events (who gets up with the kids on what mornings) and less important (Kara run 6-11), not only does this keep the fighting about play time down, but it gets us together for a fun hour or so to look at the week ahead.
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jashby said on 7:53PM 12-09-2007
Tell me. How do I get my husband to agree to schedule a WoW night? If WoW were relegated to a status even close to comparable to a bowling league night or a golf day, I would be THRILLED!!! But WoW is more comparable to a golf day that happens daily. Hobby? No it's a fricking obsession!
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Kevin Stallard said on 8:03PM 12-09-2007
jashby, I'm going to make some assumptions about the relationship you have with your husband, but what it sounds like you are asking for is advice on behavior modification.
If you make it clear to him that you will respect his "scheduled" game time without drama, complaining, or snarky comments, it will be in your husband's best interests to schedule his game play.
If he "schedules" WoW time every day for 6 hours/day, then you have every right to look him in the eye and ask "Are you freakin' serious?" In the end, you can't force him to do anything any more than he can force you to accept his choices in leisure time. It is up to you to define what is acceptable in a relationship, and up to him to decide if he can live with that.
Your call.
-K
kitty gladewood said on 12:01PM 12-29-2007
you people are pathetic, sure it's better than your loved one going out and cheating on you, or doing drugs, but the situation I am in is ridiculous, he comes home from work around 5:30pm and goes straight to his computer, before WOW it was his Mac, before his Mac it was his PSP and before his PSP it was his fucking playstation. This is not my son, my brother or my father I'm talking about... This is supposed to be my boyfriend, whom was once my fiance'.
I understand he needs some alone time when he gets home from work... That's fine I need my alone time too. But when he goes straight to his computer when he gets home without even kissing me, or asking how my day was it becomes extremely depressing after a while. Not to mention some nights he stays on til 2 or 3 in the morning and then has to get up for work the next day.
He can't even spend one night with me out of his busy week. And he doesn;t see what the problem is? He think just because he is home with me, that I will stay with him. What the hell am I meant to do? He's 25 years old for gods sake, not to mention he is very vindictive when it comes to approaching him about the issue. It's never his fault, it's his alone time. I have monitored his online time. There was a whole 7 days at one stage, where he would spend upto 8 hours a night on WOW. What is more important, someone who will love you back, help you when you're sick or comfort you when you are down? or a GAME!!! Something that won't ask you how your day was, something that doesn't kiss you good night, something that is FICTIONAL... You people are crazy for getting involved in the game if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband or child.
You think it's us "wow widows" that are the in the wrong, but think about what you have, think about the time when you first met that person and they were all you could think about. I fear that my boyfriend will wind up a lonely, fat, computer nerd. What happens when your loved one leaves you??? What happens when the next person leaves you?? Will you still sit there and think its so great... When you ignore you loved one so much they go and get love somewhere else.. You should all be ashamed of yourselves... People in the olden days didn't need a game to keep them amused. So the next time you go to log on, and the person who is "nagging" says "why do you HAVE to play that stupid, stupid game?" click cancel and take them on a romantic outing. Show them you really do care. AND DON'T JUST DO THIS ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!! Show them EVERYDAY that you love them, not with a kiss or a I love you, although that is still very much appreciated. But with an original and caring way. Something that will keep them interested in you. Spend a few days a week showing them you care!!!
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Grimthorn Redbeard said on 12:09PM 12-29-2007
Wait a second, exactly who is the pathetic one? He's spending his time doing what he wants to do, and you're the one who is upset because it isn't spending time with you.
You're the one "trapped" in a bad relationship because you insist that your boyfriend become something he isn't. "Training" your significant other is a mad fiction penned by sitcom writers and bitter vituperative harpies who believe that they have the right to control other people, particularly the men in their lives.
If he isn't giving you what you want in a relationship, then why are you still in that relationship? Love? You mean you are so dedicated to your boyfriend that you would tolerate his ignoring your needs in favor of his own entertainment? If you aren't getting anything out of this relationship, then why continue it? Find yourself a boyfriend who is more of what you want.
I'm sorry, the word "pathetic" is indeed appropriate, but not as it is applied to him. You're a "victim-by-choice", and there isn't much in this world more pathetic than that.