Gamer Interrupted: Duos are good for relationships
by Robin Torres 
Dec 5th 2007 at 8:30AM
Filed under: World of Warcraft, City of Heroes, City of Villains, Opinion, Star Wars Galaxies, Hellgate: London, Gamer Interrupted
Each week, Robin Torres contributes Gamer Interrupted, a column about balancing real life with MMOs.
Sharing your leisure time with a friend and/or loved one is a great way to strengthen your relationship. This is not a controversial statement. But if that leisure time includes video games, we are getting into much debated territory -- though things are improving. Newer studies are finding that social games do in fact make people more social, rather than the basement dwelling stereotypes that exist. In my opinion, MMOs are a great way to spend quality time together with friends, family and significant others -- particularly when some are in different physical locations.
Couples can have in-game dates where they spend only the money that they are already spending on their account fees and with the kids sleeping nearby. Separated friends can spend time together even if they are in different countries. And, in my favorite story (though I am biased), brothers who have never met can get to know each other though they are hundreds of miles apart.
Sharing your leisure time with a friend and/or loved one is a great way to strengthen your relationship. This is not a controversial statement. But if that leisure time includes video games, we are getting into much debated territory -- though things are improving. Newer studies are finding that social games do in fact make people more social, rather than the basement dwelling stereotypes that exist. In my opinion, MMOs are a great way to spend quality time together with friends, family and significant others -- particularly when some are in different physical locations.
Couples can have in-game dates where they spend only the money that they are already spending on their account fees and with the kids sleeping nearby. Separated friends can spend time together even if they are in different countries. And, in my favorite story (though I am biased), brothers who have never met can get to know each other though they are hundreds of miles apart.
Problems arise, however, when you play more than your MMO-mates. You out-level them, experience new things without them and they feel neglected. But you have more time than they do and you want to spend it playing! If it's just one other person you are neglecting, the solution is simple: Make a duo with that person and only play your part of the duo with your duo-mate.
A lot of couples reading this are calling out to Captain Obvious at this point. But some people (as I glare meaningfully over to where my other half is raiding Zul'Aman) have a hard time respecting the duo. There are many reasons to play MMOs and a lot of people, I will call them Power Gamers for the sake of this discussion, who are focused on getting to the endgame as quickly as possible and are not so much into the journey. (Often, these same people are the first to burn out, but that is another topic.) Power Gamers have a hard time respecting the duo.
Also, it could be that you got your friend/loved one into the game only to find out that he or she is a Timesucker, Parasite, Drama Queen or Funsucker and you really don't want to spend as much in-game time with this person as you originally thought. If he or she is someone you want to keep a good relationship with, however, a limited playtime duo is still a good idea -- but not on your main server.
Here are some tips for successful duos:
Remember the point: You are playing a duo with this person to strengthen your relationship, not level your character. The two of you may actually end up leveling quickly, but that's not your main goal or else you may find yourself cheating on the duo. For example, if your guild is short on tanks and you want to level up a warrior, do not make this warrior part of the duo.
Plan ahead: What game, server, faction, starting area, etc. do you both want to play in? A good rule of thumb is, if you want to play with this person a lot then make the duo on your main server. If you would prefer to keep this relationship separate from your in-game friends, make the duo on a separate server. For example, you may not want your kid brother to know about all that partying you're doing (or saying that you're doing) in college.
Make fun duo names: Pictured above this article are Jack and Jane Blaze. My husband I had a blast playing those characters as well as Jack and Jane Fallout (until WoW came along). Pictured to the right are my good friends Spazz and Hazz Maticus, a duo from the glory days of SWG. Even if you are playing a game, like WoW, that doesn't allow surnames, you can still create characters like Hokey and Pokey or Peenk and Bloo. If your character names belong together, you are more likely to only play those characters together.Coordinate your costumes: It isn't possible in some games, but CoX is great for this type of thing. Coordinating costumes makes for built-in roleplaying as well as a bit of visual excitement. When I was taking the Jack and Jane Blaze screenshot, another player actually came over to take a screenshot as well. Back in the day, when we used to show up to get in on Task Forces, people would say "Look! It's the Blazes!" I know it may seem cosmetic, but dressing as a duo can really increase your together-time fun level which can only be a good thing.
Begin together: Often noobie zones are better when soloed, but it's still best to start your duo together. Again, the point is sharing time together, not trying to beat your personal best time in getting to level 10.
Communication is key: In and out of game, communication is always important. If your duo-mate is new to the game or games in general, make sure he or she knows how to separate combat text from chat. Use voice chat if possible. Don't just run off and do your own thing -- make sure you both are actually playing together rather than just in the same location and at the same time. Also, make sure your duo-mate is clear that you will be playing without him or her on other characters. Explain (and you can be vague here) that you have guild obligations or leveling goals for your main or whatever. You don't want your duo-mate to have unrealistic expectations on your playtime.
Schedule duo dates: Don't leave this up to chance or whim. If you are duoing with your significant other, make multiple duo dates with him or her during the week. If you are duoing with an absent friend, weekly or monthly duo dates may be more appropriate. Make sure these dates are realistic and do your best to keep them. This isn't an "it's just a game" scenario. This is an appointment with someone you care about and you should respect that as if you were meeting for dinner in a fully booked restaurant.
It's hard work balancing your work/school, other responsibilities, friends/family and your relaxation time. Combining your MMO playtime with your friends and family time is just smart, if they are amenable. Duos are a great way to make sure that together time is also quality time.
Do you have any good duo stories? What are the best duo names you've seen?
Robin Torres juggles multiple characters across multiple MMOs, two cats, one preschooler, one loot-addicted husband and a yarn dependency. After years of attempting to balance MMOs with real life, Robin lightheartedly shares the wisdom gleaned from her experiences. If you would like to ask Robin's advice or if you have a story you wish to share, please email Robin.Torres AT weblogsinc DOT com for a possible future column.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
danny said on 2:39PM 11-06-2009
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Gr1zz said on 8:52AM 12-05-2007
Wow, just wow. You outdid yourself. As someone who avidly plays with his wife, some of these simple suggestions slipped right by me.
I'm going to go home tonight and start a new toon with my wife on a new server! (*Plan ahead)
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Kilawhar said on 9:59AM 12-05-2007
Heh...My other half and I had many "dates" in Everquest back when she lived three hours away. We never successfully pulled off the duo thing, though. We have a couple in our WoW guild right now who managed to do that on Blood Elves when BC came out. They got all the way to Outland leveling up at practically the same time. Didn't last, though.
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ymiris said on 10:02AM 12-05-2007
This is why the wife and I started couple gaming, because we truly believe that it can be a great activity for couples! I will have to link to this article from couple gaming ;)
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Hazz said on 11:19AM 12-05-2007
We are fans of alliterative names, when Spazz and I did cooperative in Diablo 2 we called ourselves Smaash and Baash. I can never remember which one I was though...
Ironically he's made a Smash for Rock Band, but my singer is named Pix :) Not so much matchy-matchy, but they look great together ;)
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Markymark said on 2:50PM 12-05-2007
Me and my bud from JHS started playing mmo's and we remained good friends otherwise we would not be in contact with one another today.
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Equynnox said on 8:13PM 12-05-2007
Ah, that explains it. My husband's a Power Gamer. At least I meet up with his paladin from time to time when our guild does Karazhan. : /
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Impulsivity said on 4:04PM 12-09-2007
The only problem I've run into with this is the inevitable gap in skill that accompanies MMOs. The chance of two top .5% players getting together organically in the real world is very small. This means the ability to do an arena team with your sig other (if you want any chance of doing well) or doing difficult quests in any game is not great unless the better of the two player wants to accept poor progress and performance. Many people don't think in this way especially initially but if you play a tanker and she plays a Defender who lets you die when not OOM/power it comes down to voicing displeasure or burying it deep down inside and never bringing it up again while it festers.
I'm sure anyone who has played these games noticed that people tend to break off into segments based largely on their skill especially endgame. I end up with my top .5% in WoW getting a gladiator title and she ends up off doing her own thing, I end up in a top raiding guild and she doesn't make the cut. In some ways different skill levels becomes a sort of albatross around your neck. The only way duos work really well is if you're both exceptional players (very rare given the population of exceptional players especially within the female playing female subset) or are both mediocre and ok with that. Leveling together doesn't help the skill gap, it just delays the problem which usually surfaces more in endgame.
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Ben said on 7:00AM 12-10-2007
@7:
I admit up front that I lucked out on that score. My wife of 7 years (and we've been gaming together from the beginning) is a very skilled player and, better, her skillset meshes well with mine. We're both "whole-engagement" thinkers, approach tactical and strategic elements synergistically, but go about it in slightly different ways. In some games she excels in a tank role, in others as a healer, same of me (vice versa).
This gets really fun on our alts: she'll play a class I wrote the book on, I'll play a class she knows inside and out. We'll wind up doing some teaching, allowing some space for discovery, and each of us finding new subtleties and nuances of play. This "game as communication" play works well with our already gab-heavy relationship. To the "advanced play" couple, I heartily recommend playing a class/role that your significant other has mastered (and that they do the same).
For the advanced couple (level 70 spouses) that's new to playing as a couple, a few suggestions to add to the solid list in the article:
-Even if you and your partner are married, neither of you are married to your character. If you're both new or new-ish you may have chosen a class combination that doesn't work well, or characters that don't work well for your individual playstyles. Even if you've gamed together before, a new game might require a new approach. When we started WoW I rolled a "nuker" and she rolled a "tank", the roles we'd always played before. It took a few rerolls before we really settled into my tank and her healer. When it "clicks", it REALLY clicks, and don't be afraid to tinker and give things a test drive before blazing forward.
-Be clear about your goals as a team. If one person wants to keep it chill, explore, craft, and the other one is a frenzied raid addict, that needs to be understood and worked around. Different overall goals doesn't mean it can't work, just that you'll need to plan for Your Time, My Time, and Our Time (and be careful not to get them confused). If you DO have similar goals, so much the better.
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Delta said on 5:28PM 12-10-2007
I admit to being a Power Gamer myself, as growing up it was always my goal in any game to beat it. Only when I delved into the world of RPG's starting with Final Fantasy VII and Pokemon in the late 90's did I really start to realize that some games are meant to explore and do many other things besides just getting to the end.
My ex-girlfriend was the one to introduce me to the terrible world of Blizzard games starting with Starcraft, which consumed most of our duo-gaming back then, to be later claimed by Ragnarok Online. World of Warcraft came after we broke up a year and a half ago, a game which I initially swore off because the guy she more or less cheated on me for played it, often using my computer which I had nothing but contempt for. Another good friend of mine however convinced me to play and sure enough I started playing and after a few hiatuses I have a 70 Rogue Horde-side.
I got my current girlfriend into playing WoW with me, but admitingly after farming or grinding on my main, I often don't want to play my alts, which is why we can never play with just us. At some point I want to correct this, but since she doesn't play that much because of work, I still end up playing mostly by myself anyway.
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Phoenix Psaltery said on 1:20PM 12-13-2007
This is very true for my wife and myself. We actually met online in Second Life, and later married in Reality. We have been playing WoW together for over a year (she's played for about two years and introduced me to it) and we've seen a number of these symptoms. She's been jealous at times because I surpassed her in leveling, because I was able to spend more time playing due to the nature of my job; we've quested together and separately, and there have been times when I devoted myself to trying to help her level. The thing is, she's really a far superior player to me, because I have spent nearly twice as long actually playing my character than she has, and yet currently I'm a 60 and she's a 56. The key is, all things in moderation.
P2
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