Filed under: Humor

The Elven Agenda: What Hi-Rez doesn't want you to know

by Seraphina Brennan Jan 22nd 2010 at 7:00PM

Filed under: Culture, MMO industry, MMOFPS, Global Agenda, Humor

"In Global Agenda, there are no elves."

That's what we've been told for over a year now. Hi-Rez's Spy-Fi shooter has almost staked it's entire existence on the removal of Elven kind from the gaming scene, which has certainly earned them a nasty reputation with the Sylvaen-American equal rights camps.

But we here at Massively have confirmed, through a diligent study of Global Agenda, that Hi-Rez may be deceiving its own player base. While the company may take a hardline stance against elves, their actions speak very differently.

Take, for example, the Recon class... or should we say the Elven class? Follow along readers, for we have evidence to back up our claims!

Phasers set to fun, sit back and bust out the popcorn

by Kyle Horner Jan 14th 2010 at 8:00PM

Filed under: Video, New titles, News items, Star Trek Online, Humor

Got a couple hours to burn? Love Star Trek and subsequently find yourself enjoying Star Trek Online? Well, we've got a couple videos you may want to watch, for entertainment purposes as opposed to tips related purposes. Giant Bomb has two -- although the "parts" aspects suggests further entries -- videos of a few guys sitting around playing Cryptic's upcoming Trek MMO and, well, basically being silly dorks. They start at character creation and hit the ground running, all while providing the kind of commentary that quite possibly could make you want to have on headphones if you're on a lunch break at work.

It's fun stuff, and if you've got some time to kill the videos will most certainly help make time fly by more quickly. You can find the two videos embedded after the break.

To level no more forever

by Eliot Lefebvre Jan 11th 2010 at 11:00AM

Filed under: Culture, Game mechanics, Leveling, Opinion, Humor

There's one constant in nearly every new MMO we play, and for many of us the games we play offline -- gaining levels. And Don't Fear The Mutant recently has set forth a sentiment that we're sure many players have shared -- the absolute, intolerable dread of having to level up again. Of having to go from Level 1 to Level Whatever, quickly at first and then ever so slowly as we creep toward the finish line, a finish that doesn't so much tell us what to do as gives us the option to do what we wanted to in the first place.

Sometimes it's a slog, sometimes it's easy, but all of us have felt the pain before of the fact that the barrier to entry gets higher and higher over time. After all, to pick a random example, the community of City of Heroes is full of characters at Level 50. The majority of the game is played out there. It's difficult to suggest a solution that doesn't require partitioning off the world or vastly shortening the level grind a la Guild Wars, but if you've ever found yourself staring at that bar and dreading even stepping out of town to fill it a bit -- and you certainly have -- you may wish to take a look at the full entry.

Don't be a foo, tweet to be a hero (and get closed beta keys for Kung Foo!)

by Seraphina Brennan Dec 29th 2009 at 6:00PM

Filed under: Fantasy, Contests, New titles, News items, Free-to-play, Humor, Kung Foo!

Do you want to be a cool hero? As cool of a hero as the guy in the picture above? Or, even better, do you want to be cooler and more heroic than that guy? Yeah, we know you do.

Well, you have two options. One of those options involves investing more money in rhinestones than the dude above, which is close to impossible. The other option, the more feasible option, if you ask us, is to get a hold of your tweety page and try to get the attention of Perfect World Entertainment's Kung Foo! twitter account. You know, the MMO that puts the FU in FUN? (We can't take the credit for that one. That was all Perfect World.)

What the staff from the new kung-fu parody game is looking for are catchy one-liners/puns involving the #FOO hashtag. You know, things like "Give me #FOO or give me death" (not that funny) or "Get #FOO or get out!" (more funny.) Get their attention with an awesome one-liner, and you get to be a hero! Totally better than that guy! And if you're a hero, then you're totally heroic enough to deserve a closed beta key for Kung Foo! It's like a two-for-one deal!

Or, hey, you could always go over and register for the Kung Foo! closed beta like a mundaneinite. We'd do that, but we've been told if we pass some Muse tickets to Perfect World's Jason Varden, we get to skip the closed beta scrutiny line. So excuse us, suckahs, we're skippin' 'da line!

See an Aion GM in action blowing up spammers

by William Dobson Dec 6th 2009 at 10:00AM

Filed under: Fantasy, Aion, Humor

NCsoft has always been fairly vocal about about their assault on Aion's goldspammer and bot epidemic. They bolstered the game's spam filter a while ago and their Game Surveillance Unit reportedly banned over 27,000 botting accounts just last week. It's great to hear about these positive statistics, but if your game experience has been ruined in the past by some of these unsavory characters, you might be looking for something more visceral -- and thankfully, we've got that for you.

Enter Youtube user MidoriPeanut, who managed to catch an Aion GM in the throes of a banning spree and recorded it all for the rest of us to enjoy. The movie features the GM blowing up a number of goldspammer ad stores, all set to the dramatic Syringe by Emilie Autumn. Sure, this could all take place behind the scenes and the offenders would quietly disappear from the world, but isn't it a lot more fun seeing them cast off to hell by a cutesy animal? Get out the popcorn and head past the break to see the banishing in action.

Fallen Earth Thanksgiving menus put the epic in epicurean

by Krystalle Voecks Dec 3rd 2009 at 12:00PM

Filed under: Sci-fi, Fallen Earth, Contests, Events, real-world, Humor

For many, Thanksgiving is now either fading off into our memories, or only remains as a pile of leftovers wedged in the back of the fridge. In Fallen Earth, it was a bit more sparse in terms of celebration, but there were those brave souls who did try to gather together new frontier foodstuffs into a vaguely palatable holiday meal. After some time spent judging, the Fallen Earth team announced the winners of their nomtastic Thanksgiving Menu Contest recently. Despite the fact that the chefs were all dealing with mutated, irradiated food, several entrants still managed to whip up menus that actually sounded pretty good!

Sure, the simple, everyday Flat Beer was to be found in abundance, but after a vote, Reko Takeda of the Lotus Clan was the one whose cuisine reigned supreme. The winning menu not only sounded tasty, but even considered various interesting options, including a "children's menu" for the not-so-discerning CHOTA palette. So if you're in the mood for a good Fallen Earth holiday laugh, be sure to look over all the different menus that were submitted. Who knows -- there are other events looming. Perhaps their post-apocalyptic treats will inspire you to make something delicious for your clan. Alternately, they may just put you off the idea of eating altogether. You'll just have to read and see.

ReSubbed Episode 3: Anarchy Online

by Seraphina Brennan Dec 1st 2009 at 6:00PM

Filed under: Sci-fi, Anarchy Online, Opinion, Humor, ReSubbed

Tuesday's in the house and you know what that means -- it's ReSubbed time! This week on the show we're visiting the land of Rubi-Ka in Funcom's first MMO endeavor, Anarchy Online.

Joining Sera on the adventure this week is Shawn Schuster (podcaster extraordinaire) and the usual flavoring of Kyle Horner (columnist superhero.) What will this intrepid trio find on the shores of the tutorial zone? Will they understand the ancient and archaic skill system? Will one of them perish to the dangerous flora of a forbidden, sci-fi planet? (Spoiler: Ohhhhhh yeah.)

Well if any of this intrigues you (or you want to see what Anarchy Online looks like these days) jump on through the break and press that play button to be served with a brand new episode of ReSubbed!

The Daily Grind: Do you like holiday events?

by Eliot Lefebvre Nov 27th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Culture, Events, in-game, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

We've only been done with Halloween for about a month, and we just finished Thanksgiving. There's still some other holiday coming up this year, followed by New Year's Day, followed by Valentine's Day, and so on and so forth. And all of these holidays are usually accompanied by events in the middle of your game of choice -- usually with a different name or a slightly different backstory, but with the ultimate effect of more holiday experience being shoved directly into your retinas.

On the one hand, this is fun. It gives you a chance to break up the flow of the year a bit better within the game, it lets everyone kick back and relax a little more, and the best events give every player something new to do for a little while. On the other hand, they can distract from the game's actual focus, the rewards can sometimes be disproportionate, and for some people they get enough holiday coverage anyway. Work retail around Christmas, for instance, and you don't want more Christmas decorations in your favorite MMO. (You might want more Hanukkah, but that's a different discussion.) Today we ask: do you like having holiday events in your games of choice? If so, what are your favorite sorts and best examples? If not, what's your personal reason?

The Daily Grind: Thanksgiving eating binge edition

by Eliot Lefebvre Nov 26th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Real life, Culture, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

Everyone during Thanksgiving Day asks you what you're thankful for. It's a logical if somewhat bland question, given the nature of the holiday. But today, we here at Massively would like to celebrate something equally integral to the holiday -- stuffing yourself until you can no longer move under your own power. Today, we want to know what game you're going to be gorging yourself on today and with any further time off you get in the near future -- what you're going to just play until your eyes roll back in your head.

Really, what better way to celebrate a holiday where our biggest tradition is eating in excess? Perhaps you're going to enjoy some Allods Online in the closed beta, being lucky enough to be in the beta and enjoy a game that's getting some good press thus far. Maybe you'd prefer to wander the wastes of Fallen Earth and take in a full helping of niche gameplay and deep systems. Or perhaps you're just taking a spin through an old favorite like EVE Online and taking comfort in the familiar. When you have the time, what game are you devouring?

The Daily Grind: I've been meaning to tell you...

by Eliot Lefebvre Nov 25th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Culture, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day if you're in the United States, which makes it special. (If you live in the rest of the world, tomorrow is Thursday and not particularly special, but bear with us.) It's the start of a season devoted to good feelings and positive thoughts, as well as voracious consumerism, so it's best to start things off on the right foot. Start off by clearing the air and getting everything off your chest, out into the open. Today, we're asking you: what level is your blood elf paladin?

Okay, that sort of question usually goes onto our sister site, but the message is there. What are your MMO secrets? Do you secretly adore Champions Online but don't tell your friends on City of Heroes because you're afraid of their reaction? Have you stuck with a game you hated because a friend was playing it and you didn't want to leave them by themselves? Even if it's something as mundane as hating Runes of Magic, today, the floor is open for you to vent whatever you just normally won't share. And then, tomorrow, we can feast with a clear conscience. (Unless you're not in the US, again, but maybe you can start up a regular feast day on Thursdays.)

ReSubbed Episode 2: EverQuest

by Seraphina Brennan Nov 24th 2009 at 5:00PM

Filed under: Fantasy, Video, EverQuest, Humor, ReSubbed

It's that time of the week again! Time go to back in time with this week's episode of ReSubbed, and boy did we pick a good one for you! What's also 10 years old, helped to start the MMO genre, and has really annoying skeletons? If you guessed EverQuest (or if you read the title above) then you'd be 100% correct!

This week Seraphina is joined by Krystalle Voecks and Kyle Horner as they re-visit the Gloomingdeep Mines and talk about the good 'ol days of trains, planes (of power), and auto-attacks. Plus, as the game has changed much over the years, the gang revisits what the game used to look like and how much it's improved today. Look 'Ma, I don't have to drop my sword on the ground to tell which way is north!

You want some ReSubbed? It's right after the break, for your eyeball viewing pleasure.

The Daily Grind: How do you like your references?

by Eliot Lefebvre Nov 20th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Culture, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

We gamers do love our nods to other media. From the earliest days of gaming and software, the easter egg has been a staple, something hidden without mention in the recesses of code. These days, we're as likely as not to have entire areas devoted to a drawn-out reference, or in some cases an entire element of gameplay added mostly as a long-standing joke. Some games have elevated the art of reference almost to an art form, with major storyline characters introduced as a sort of extended cameo from their original media.

Of course, that's also the problem with references: it can sort of cheapen the game you're playing if it's subtle, and it destroys immersion if it's mind-shatteringly overt. So what do you think? Do you like little snuck-in references to books and movies, or do you like your world to be totally consistent? Do you prefer it when the inspiration is kept under the radar, or would you rather just have the whole thing out in the open? What's your favorite instance of a game calling back to something else?

ReSubbed Episode 1: Asheron's Call

by Seraphina Brennan Nov 17th 2009 at 4:00PM

Filed under: Fantasy, Video, Asheron's Call, Opinion, Humor, ReSubbed

At this point in time, we probably have you intrigued enough to read this paragraph. You're wondering what this new column is, aren't you? Well, wonder no further, dear readers, as you're looking at the second ever weekly Massively video feature -- ReSubbed.

What's this show all about? Simple -- take willing saps, er, participants, and subject them to a random MMO each week while recording the insanity. It's a preview, a review, a revisit, and a drunken raid all recorded live, hosted by Seraphina Brennan. We go inside the game so you don't have to. Plus, you can laugh at our misfortune. What could be better?

This week on ReSubbed, Sera has recruited Kyle Horner as her wing man as she subjects him to Asheron's Call in honor of the game's 10th anniversary. What happens when Kyle figures out that all of his emotes are bound to the keys of the keyboard? Check it out, right after the break.

(The management would like us to inform you that ReSubbed does contain one instance of profanity this week. So, be warned, we're slightly NSFW.)

The Daily Grind: The epic confrontation between that guy and what's-his-name

by Eliot Lefebvre Oct 26th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Lore, Quests, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

We all go into autopilot sometimes. So, you know, we're on a marathon session to level up, and we're mostly just sort of clicking by instinct. You belatedly realize, however, that you were in the middle of a quest chain. The reason you realize this, sadly, is because you're at the penultimate stage of said quest chain, and the questgiver is making references to all the work that you've been doing to reach this point... when you don't really remember most of what you've been doing up until now. There might have been something with fish men? Or the other fish men. It's all kind of a blur, really.

Lore is important, and few people would argue that, but when have you managed to completely miss every bit of what's supposed to be going on? Did you not read up the backstory in the manual and therefore not know that the person you're fighting unleashed horrors on his own people? Did you forget about an NPC that is actually kind of important in retrospect? Or did you just steamroll through things and only find out later that there was an overarching reason for all of this?

The Daily Grind: What death do you usually not talk about?

by Eliot Lefebvre Oct 25th 2009 at 8:00AM

Filed under: Culture, Game mechanics, Opinion, The Daily Grind, Humor

Characters die. It's not usually a permanent thing, but MMOs are kind of built on the premise that your character is going to die at some point, since something hitting you until you hit zero hit points and then wandering off out of boredom removes the flavor of the game. More often than not, when you die, there's no real shame involved. It's just a muttered curse word at worst and then whatever you have to do to get back into the game again, ranging from running back to your corpse to trying to get your level back to apologizing to that megacorporation.

However, there are certain deaths -- getting eaten by a goobbue, for instance -- which you privately agree to just not talk about.

What death do you remember that's so embarassing, silly, or unnecessary that you normally don't mention it? Maybe you really should have known better beforehand, maybe you just find the circumstances too humiliating, or maybe it still makes you annoyed to even think about it. Whatever the case, today is the day to share your death stories -- and we've all got them. What's the story you wouldn't tell on any other day?