soft-drinks posts

Frigid night breeze sweeps through the Blizzard Overlord's grand chamber atop the highest tower of his headquarters, but he remains unaffected by the cold -- or anything else -- since his recent ascension to MMO godhood. The dark castle spans miles in every direction, built with the dedication and gold of millions of the Overlord's followers, tastefully decorated with the finest objects the world has to offer. He sits upon his throne, admiring the new gauntlets of his black, impossibly dense armor, forged from the souls of the faithful and the unbelievers alike -- the very image the Lich King was patterned after. A homage to his greatness. Pondering said greatness, he barely notices a panting, scraping sound as his Minion enters the grand chamber, taking a good three minutes to cross the vast room and reach the base of the Overlord's throne. The Minions dares not look his master in the face, genuflects and awaits the inevitable orders.

Blizzard Overlord: Minion! Report! What is the state of my World?

Minion: The MMO world is yours, my lord. World of Warcraft remains unassailable, and we claim more souls with every passing second... *hesitates a moment* Although there is the probl--

Blizzard Overlord: Massively! Is it Massively again?! Are they still harping on the impediment to my Wrath in China? *telekinetically hurls a ridiculously valuable 19th century ottoman across the room, which splinters against the wall* I can suffer their existence no longer. Execute them -- burn their faces first -- and melt the servers down into tombstones. Monuments to their heresy. And don't even think of mentioning Germany!

Minion: It shall be done my lord. I do, however, have a suggestion for how World of Warcraft can transcend all borders and appeal to gamers and non-gamers alike. If I may?

Blizzard Overlord: You may proceed.

Minion: You could co-opt the power of a multinational beverage conglomerate and tie World of Warcraft into that basic human need: thirst. No one will be able to resist the thirst for WoW. In time, the need to satisfy both intrinsic human needs will be intertwined.

Blizzard Overlord: An excellent suggestion, Minion. However, I do not want my legacy tied in with any simple (scoffs) cola. I will force Mountain Dew to carry my banner to the non-MMO masses, under the guise of "game fuel."